Posts Tagged ‘funny’

HOF Names

A Twitter pal (@jvomhofjr) and I were talking NFL Draft the other day, and the subject of Colt McCoy came up. We disagreed on his professional outlook (personally, I think he will be the best QB from the 2010 Draft when the dust settles), but we did agree on a point he made: Colt McCoy is a Hall-of-Fame-caliber name. It’s just cool, and perfect for a gunslinging QB.

The thought of HOF Names got me thinking, and on that note, here is a quick list of some of my other favorites. Please, please, please offer your own in the comments section…I’d love to see ones I missed!

In no particular order:

Spud Webb: Did the lilliputian leaper not simply look like a Spud Webb?

Coco Crisp: OK, it’s sorta a nickname. But just give the guy credit for having the last name Crisp.

John Rocker: Again, a case of a guy fitting his name.

Mookie Blaylock: I always wanted to be a Mookie growing up.

God Shammgod: If we were to rank this list, this name has to win, right? God Shammgod? Wonderful.

Thou shalt not find a better sports name than his (or is it His?)

Dick Butkus: He was so tough and cool, that he actually pulled this name off.

World B. Free (with honorable mention to He Hate Me): No, not given names. But creativity counts in my book.

Usain Bolt: Because he’s fast.

Mark Buehrle: Because he is in fact burly.

Yogi Berra: Bonus points for Yogi-isms.

I’m getting verklempt, so please discuss amongst yourselves.


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Oh brother…

I’ll be brief. The Minnesota Timberwolves acquired Darko Milicic. Somewhere, Luc Longley chuckled to himself. And Paul Grant rolled his eyes. And Ndubi Ebi…

Need I go on? How about I just post this ESPN column from 2003…boy was Darko good. Before he played a game, of course.

In the words of Twitter, #fail. #EpicFail

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Friday night was crazy.

First, I got into a fight with my girlfriend, who was calling my brother a dead beat. He lives on the couch, but it’s just until he gets back on his feet. I tried to tell the stupid girl that, but she wouldn’t listen and called the cops.

Later, I was at a party and the cops got called again. Turns out a buddy of mine was wanted on a warrant, so they came in and booked him. We tried to stop the cops, and I ended up getting cuffed. Pigs…

After that, I was driving and me and Mike got pulled over. We weren’t even going that fast, but the cop got all serious. Then I guess he saw the bag of weed on the dash. I was arrested outside of the vehicle, and Mike tried to toss the rest of the drugs and his gun out the window. Too bad the cop saw it on the side of the road.

When that was all done, class was over.

New officer Ross Johnson, left, deals with Sgt. Jeff McCormack, who is acting as a suspect here. I took this with my BlackBerry, which was knocked out of my hand. Guess you can't interfere at a crime scene.

All that mayhem was part of new-officer training for Ross Johnson, who is the newest member of the Austin Police Department. Ross was sworn in two weeks ago, and Friday marked the end of his two-week “in-house” training. Starting Wednesday, he’ll shadow a fellow officer on the streets. He’ll do that for about three months before going solo.

Beyond the live-action scenarios (which involved me as well as a few other veteran officers), Ross trained with a virtual-scenario program that threw a number of different perps at him on the screen. The coolest thing about that was the interactivity — Ross could “shoot” if necessary, as well as use a flashlight, which “lit up” parts of the dark screen at “night.”

In charge of the training was Lt. Rene Phan, who said he looks for officers to treat the situations as realistically as possible.

I fought with officer Johnson before my last arrest. Yeah, he roughed me up a bit and cuffed me. Awesome.

Phan emphasized officer safety throughout the night, but also went over things like arrest tactics and the proper (and legal) times to enter a home.

After the last big arrest of the night (I tried pulling a gun on officer Johnson while in my car, then wrestled with him when he got out the cuffs), Phan said his student was making a lot of progress.

“I think he’s doing really well,” the lieutenant said. “We accomplished a lot.”

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While he was scheduled to give the annual State of the State address Thursday, Minnesota’s 39rd governor seemingly thought he was at a Comedy Central Roast.

Yes, Tim Pawlenty’s got jokes.

Ok, I did exaggerate a bit…the governor did mix in plenty of strong rhetoric regarding jobs, the budget and (here’s a buzz word for you) bi-partisanship. But Pawlenty did use his last open mic appearance as a chance to break out quips that, in all likelihood, he had been dying to tell for eight years.

Forget a run for president...this cat's the next George Carlin!

In honor of the gubernatorial funny-man, I have taken the liberty to rave/rant about some of the memorable jokes. If I missed any, or if you want to see the serious, boring stuff (I kid, I kid…the bonding bill is very important), check out the full speech here (courtesy of the Star Tribune).

-For those here today who hope to be Governor next year — I have a few tips for all of you.

First, schedule a monthly haircut to manage your mullet.

Second, try to make sure the person who is responsible for representing your positions in court, the Attorney General, is also not your re-election opponent.

Third, don’t kiss an eelpout on the lips, even if the locals say it’s for good luck.

Fourth, before you take the microphone at a Minnesota Wild game, carefully practice pronouncing the word “puck.”
Thoughts: I don’t know what an eelpout is, but self deprecating humor regarding a reelection campaign is always appreciated. I give it a B-

It was established in a different era for a different economy by politicians that most likely couldn’t envision the hypercompetitive world of today. It’s almost pre-Sid Hartman thinking.
Thoughts: Making fun of The Sid is always OK in my book. A+

We’ve all experienced the so-called “Minnesota goodbye” – where the guest announces they’re leaving multiple times before they actually do. It can often start at a table, move to the front door, then the front yard, and even move down the driveway with multiple hugs along the way. At its finest, it concludes with a goodbye shouted through a car window as the guest drives away.

I’ll try to avoid that ritual as I leave this office in 11 months, but I do have just a few more things to say.
Thoughts: Funny because it’s true. Not funny because he’s doing EXACTLY what he said he’d avoid. C-

Visitors sometimes don’t understand the love we have for this place. They think of it as cold, far from oceans, and a place that even airplane pilots can miss altogether.
Thoughts: Zing! A

-Now, it’s true, Minnesotans have to worry about such things as whether the ice will be off the lake in time for the fishing opener, kicking asteroid size ice chunks from the wheel well of our cars, and training the next generation to endure the ritual of falling madly in love with the Vikings, only to be dumped at the altar of the Super Bowl.
Thoughts: Too soon, T-Paw. Too soon. D+

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